I would like to share with you about a time where God spoke to me in the area of self-reliance. A couple of years ago, something happened in my family that shook everyone.
I had grown up with the constant feeling that I had to be strong. I could not openly share my deepest thoughts or show everything that I was feeling to others, or even how other’s words or actions fully affected me. One of the reasons I struggled was the feeling that if I ever opened up, I would be considered weak. So, as the eldest child who had to grow up before her time, I took to acting strong. Even though I had always known God, I think I unknowingly let a lot of self-reliance into my life. As a result of the different things I had experienced growing up, I subconsciously built walls around my heart; never fully able to let people or God in, never fully allowing them to support me.
When the event took place in my family a couple of years ago, I straight away had to be the strong one again. At the start, I had to be the one that everyone relied upon. I soon found myself really stressed by the situation, to the point that I actually went to a GP to get a reference so I could receive counselling. The GP, though, by mistake, wrote incorrect information on my file which ended up being the last straw that my strength could take. I found myself in a place of anxiety and in tears to one of the leaders in the church. Stress as well as the fear of what could happen because of the doctor’s report and what had happened to a family member just prior overwhelmed me.
That night, the pain in my chest from the level of anxiety I felt and the constant bombardment of lies from the enemy meant I could hardly sleep. And when I did fall asleep, all I met were nightmares. It was at this low point in my life, and after opening up to a few closer leaders, that I chose – for the first time – to drop my act of always being strong. I decided to share the immediate struggle I was going through with the core teams I was in. I had to step out of my self-reliance to a greater level. It was also at this time that God showed me how I needed to learn to trust and depend on Him even more – that I needed to step out of my self-reliance more in my relationship with Him. I realised it is moments like these in our lives that can act as a magnifying glass to show us where we are really at, and God did.
In His grace though, He did not just show me where I was at but used it as a growth point in my walk with Him. This was not the first time that God had moved in this particular area of my life and has definitely not been the last. Through all of this, I am grateful that He loves me so much to not leave me where I am at; even using some of the lowest points in my life to springboard me into greater growth.
Isaiah 26:4, “Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.”
UniGen UQ1, Hope Church St Lucia