Without realising, I have been to Brisbane for four years now. I am here to study my bachelor degree, and now I am entering my final two months before graduation. As a requirement for the Honours program, I need to write a thesis to graduate. I am not an academic person, so I struggle a lot with writing an excellent academic paper. I remember during my last month before my thesis submission, I was only halfway through my introduction. Compared to others, I was very behind with my progress, and I could not see myself being able to finish my thesis on time. I became anxious and started complaining to God, asking why he created me this way. He could make me a smarter person or He could do a miracle and help me finished my thesis so that I do not need to suffer through these. For most of my life, I have accepted the fact that I was just an average person, especially comparing myself to my sister and my father. But, I began to question God why would He love me when I had nothing lovable about me. I felt I had to grab hold of some answers to be convinced that indeed, God does love me.
When I was questioning and trying to find an answer for God’s love, what I came to know was that – there was no reason why God loves me. It was not because of something unique about me that made God loved me. Even without any reason, he would still love me. If there were any reasons why he loved me, I would be living in fear rather than love. I would be afraid that one day, the very reason I was loved would be taken away and I would lose his love. But because there was no reason why God loved me, I could be so secure that there was nothing in this world that can separate me from the love of God. When I further reflected upon this, God challenged me not only to accept but to appreciate this truth. When I begin to learn to appreciate the fact that God uniquely created me as an average student, it broke the unworthiness I always held of myself and began to see the way of God. Although I was not exceptionally outstanding, God still loved me.
I am a normal special child of God because my worth is not found in me but my Father’s eyes. Through this understanding, I began to tackle my thesis with a sense of peace in my heart. There was no fear of what the result might be but a pure grateful heart that I have a Father that would be proud of me no matter what the outcome might be. I always marvelled at C.S. Lewis’ poem: “They tell me Lord, that when I pray, only one voice is heard; that I’m dreaming, you’re not there, this whole thing is absurd. Maybe they’re right, Lord, maybe they’re right. Maybe there’s only one voice that’s heard. But if there’s only one voice that’s heard, Lord, it’s not mine, it’s your voice. I’m not dreaming; you are the dreamer. And I am your dream.” You and I are not the dreamers dreaming that God is real and He loves us; You and I are the dream that God dreams because He is real and He is love.
Bachelor of Psychological Science (Hons), UQ
UniGen UQ8, Hope Church St Lucia