I was born into a Christian family and in my young days, I believed I was a dedicated Christian. However, when I was 10, my mother passed away because of cancer. I suffered through depression, suicidal thoughts and even suicidal act because I felt like I have lost all my hope. No one ever understand me the way my mother does, not even God. I cried out to him in darkness, in brokenness, in tears and pain but all those days, God responded with silent silence. I gave up on my relationship with God because if he did not care about me, why do I still need to believe in him. My father and sister seemed to handle the death of my mother rationally because they are more of a thinker than a feeler. My mother was no longer here to stand by my side and be my comfort in the past 11 years.
Although I have accepted Christ Jesus as my Lord and Saviour two years ago, for most of my life, I have lived under the shadow of my father and sister. I felt I wasn’t worthy in the family because I am not academically as smart as them; I have accepted the fact that I do not have an outstanding profile as my sister or my dad; I have accepted the fact that I am only a normal person. I cannot not accept it because these are the brutal objective facts. I had this chance to go for a mission trip to Myanmar for 3 weeks in the past Christmas holiday and God opened my eyes to see what is exactly happening in the other part of the world. Christians are being persecuted by the military government because of their beliefs, little children being abandoned by their parents on the street etc.
While experiencing these and reflecting upon it, God challenged me to not only accepting the fact that I am not as academically smart as my family members but to appreciate it. Can I appreciate the fact that I am not academically outstanding compare with my dad and my sister? Can I appreciate the fact God has uniquely created me to be a normal student? I can simply accept all these and move on with other things happening in my life but I would be missing out on the beauty God has specially designed me to be if I only accept but not appreciate. This broke off the unworthiness I always held of myself and began to see the way God sees me. Although I am not exceptionally outstanding, I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God and will still use me to bless others who are “normal” in the eyes of the world. I am one who is uniquely normal because my worth in the creator, in my father’s eyes. He loves me with the everlasting love no one on the world can offer to me.
Battling with my loneliness, unworthiness or brokenness does not depend only on a one-time cure, in fact I still always carry a lot of these thoughts. However, now I know who I can turn to whenever I have these thoughts, that is in the person of Jesus Christ, our God, that I can find ever-lasting security and comfort because he loves everyone, including you and me, and demonstrated this love up on the cross by the shedding of his own blood.
Matthew 11:28 Jesus said, “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest”
Ezmond Cheung UQ8
Bachelor of Psychological Science (Honours)