I came from a family with a history of depression, so I grew up around pessimism, hopelessness and not wanting to be alive. Despite being the youngest, I often had to be the anchor of the family. Having to handle hurtful words from family members plagued with this illness since young, on top of pressures and expectations, I just found life not worth living and rather die than live.
I hit an all-time low around August 2012. I would start crying for no reason, for days at times. I did not want to leave the house. I did not want to talk to anyone, because it just took too much energy. I was massively plagued by thoughts of death and ending my life.
One Sunday in September 2012, I knelt before God at the altar at the end of it all. I was at the tipping point of a downward spiral, either headed to insanity or killing myself. On that day, I experienced God’s mighty love and saving power, and He set me free from depression. I could literally feel the chains of depression falling off me at that very instant and His freedom just filled me right through. I was set free by God!
The story did not end there even though I was doing well over the next few months. In October 2013, different life pressures started taking a toll on me and I fell into a deeper grave than I had been before. This time, beyond not wanting to be alive, I started mapping out realistic plans on how to end my life. I also found myself constantly breaking down and having panic attacks. One Sunday, I was driving back home alone when I almost drove into the river, simply because I wanted to. There were days when I was afraid of entering the kitchen, because I knew that I could easily pick up a knife and cut myself without feeling anything. I thank God now for not allowing any of that to happen.
Even after being set free, learning to maintain this freedom was a journey itself. Through this whole journey, I learnt that only God could truly set someone free from the grasps of depression and suicide. John 8:32 says, “then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” God had set me free completely, but because I did not fully know His truth, I allowed the devil to deceive me into thinking that I was not completely free from depression and suicide.
Today, I am still alive, and I write this testimony as one who is set free in Christ. I now know that when God sets someone free from a bondage, sin or disease, that person is free indeed. Today, I live in freedom, no longer as one bound by chains of depression or suicide, but as one who has been freed and unleashed to take the world by storm. I know that Jesus has saved me and now I am free to pursue all that He has called me to!
Who the Son sets free is free indeed!
Uni-Generation UQ 9, St Lucia Afternoon Service