My mother had passed away because of cancer when I was 10. This left a massive scar in my heart as my mother meant the entire world to me. I was hurt and in pain that led to severe depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts and attempts. I missed school for two weeks, I did not eat for a few days, and times where I run to the kitchen, grab a knife and wanting to bring this life of despair to an end. However, this was not the worst season.
With much unwillingness and a tiny hope for a new start, I entered my first year of secondary school. While I was expecting a new change, a new life, what I experience was a new hell, a new torture. I faced bullying in school. People would mock me for being tiny, tease me for not coming to school, or even blame me for the death of my mother. It hurt. It was like bringing a fresh cut to the wound as if it was not bleeding enough. The poem “Raven” helped me expressed the overwhelming pain in a poetic form: “But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, and so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, that I scarce was sure I heard you”—here I opened wide the door; — Darkness there and nothing more. Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before…” Darkness there and nothing more – the perfect reflection of my life.
During the time of pain, I kept wailing to God for an answer, yet I received none. My prayer life turned from a dialogue to a monologue, a conversation to a lamentation. However, throughout these years of suffering, I realised the beauty of God. When I was seeking for an answer, he became the answer; when I was crying out in pain, he became the pain for me; when I was lost in despair, he became the light to my world. God knew what I needed was never just an answer, but a relationship. Therefore, God became flesh and journey along each one of us. Through the mountains high, he can celebrate with us because he understood what it meant to be filled; yet most importantly, through the valleys low, he weeps and empathises with us because he experienced hurt and loneliness.
Apostle Paul said this in 1 Corinthians 1:22-23, “For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles.” Jesus Christ died on the cross, this very act, not only became the way for us to connect with God, but he also became the answer to our pain. When we take a fresh look at the Calvary, the blood Jesus spilled, the thorns that pierced through his skull, and the anguish he felt when God hid his face from him, my tremendous pain suddenly became the mean to experience the immense love from God.
The love of Jesus Christ can surely heal broken wounds. I would love to encourage all of us, do not complicate any problem by reasoning for an answer, but to simplify the problem by experiencing his great love because the answer we all ultimately need is not a reason, but a relationship. A relationship only Jesus Christ can offer us.
Bachelor of Psychology (Honours)
Uni-Generation UQ8, Hope Church St Lucia